I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
