i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
