I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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