i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
