I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
