You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
