I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
