Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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