if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
