I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
50% drunk capacity currently
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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