if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
