So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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