I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
