On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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