mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
