The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
