I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
