My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
