thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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