I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
