how hairy? two words: wookie tits
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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