He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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