Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
