When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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