and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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