im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
