You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Boobs are out for the taking
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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