last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
