What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
