you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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