guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
