My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
