You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I still have a little drunk in my system
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
