He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
