apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
