Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
