So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
