That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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