If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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