A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Life is so much better after having sex.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
