Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
