it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
