T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
