hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
