i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
