he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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