you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
