i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
