the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
