I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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