Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
